Around the age of 4, as a kindergartner, my group took a walk around the village I grew up in. Onetime we stopped at a crucifix in the middle of a empty area and the teacher asked us who died here. The whole group said "Little Jesus" and I was just standing there all confused because I had no clue who that is. We walked around a bit more, stopped at another crucifix in a different location, the teacher asked the same question, the group had the same answer. All I could think about is how can one man die at 2 different locations and I failed to figure it out. It just left a mark in me that something is not right with this Catholic religion these folks follow, but back then I just didn't know what it was.
I was 6 when my parents left Catholicism and accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Few weeks later when there was a call to the altar, my father brought me in front of the church for me to repent and surrender my life to Jesus. I didn't know exactly what was happening but it just felt right.
The church my parents, thus me joined is a charismatic Pentecostal church end because there are many things in a Pentecostal church that don't align with Catholic beliefs, I was treated as an outcast in my class in primary school. They bullied me because I wasn't bending knees to the statues and crucifixes they do.
During this time my grandmother told me that she had serious issues with her kidneys, they stopped working twice and if they stop once again, she wouldn't survive that. I prayed for several nights for her health, not knowing exactly what I was doing, but years have passed since and my grandmother is still with us.
Somewhere around this age I was also baptized but I do not remember the exact time or my age when it happened. I know it was around this time.
In my church the kids were kept at a different location than the sermons, so all the playful noise wouldn't interrupt any service that was going on.
One time, as I was playing and running around all joyful, my head started hurting. I told one of the caretaker about my issue and he suggested me to join the sermon, so I did. There was once again a call to the altar and I just felt that this calling is for me, so I walked in front of the church on my own and said the prayer. This was my first time repenting with faith on my own decision. I was 12.
Not long after I joined the media team as a camera man, I enjoyed doing it a lot.
Around this time I often had these weird fever dream like experiences, when all of a sudden my room started to feel like it's expending, growing in size while I'm getting smaller and smaller. During these experiences my fingers felt numb, like I was holding some sort of thread between my fingertips that had some fibers inside my fingers (I don't know how to properly describe the experience). I prayed that these "dreams" shall go away. This experience has never repeated ever since.
I was 17, when my relationship with my father became terrible, I seriously hated him, I didn't want to talk with him, I didn't want to hear his voice, I tried my best to avoid him. Many times he relieved his stress onto me in form of physical abuse. One time he almost killed me out of sudden anger. Years later, as he started to walk back to Christ, he apologized for all his actions towards me with tears in his eyes in front of the whole family. Since then we became pretty much besties and since 2024 his voice fills me with joy when I hear him speak.
During this time I was dating someone but slowly our relationship became more and more toxic. A whole group of friendships was destroyed due to our relationship shenanigans, there were many-many lies told to anyone who got involved somehow, parent-daughter and sibling-sibling relationships were poisoned and turned against each other, and planned programs were always cancelled in the last moment. I prayed a lot about this relationship and one time I had this strong feeling that I should read 1st Corinthians 11:11: Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. - NIV. This one verse kept me further pursue this relationship stubbornly making the whole situation even worse. This later reminded me that even satan knows the Bible by hard and he can very much use it to manipulate people. Context is very important, verses took out of context can be very harmful. This is the same way satan tried to make Jesus worship him as described in Matthew 4:5-6: Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “'He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.' - NIV. This was a great lesson for something described very well in Jeremiah 17:9: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? - NIV, meaning I shouldn't rely on emotions or my old heart's desires.
This relationship was almost completely ended (she broke up with me, but I still kept holding on). One day the head pastor of my church prayed for the students who were about to graduate from high school, that included me. As I was sitting on the train on my way to church, I silently asked God to give me an answer, to show me what to do with this relationship. Shortly after the pastor started preaching he told a parable: "If there's an engaged couple and the groom asks the bride out for a walk in the park, or a lunch together, but the bride keeps rejecting him for the silliest reasons like she needs to walk the dog, or needs her nails done, then the groom is going to ask the ring back and start looking for someone else." and it stroke me. Even tho we weren't engaged, I wanted to marry her but this one parable just opened up my memory showing all the times she cancelled our planned programs for the dumbest reasons. Within that very moment I just stopped holding onto that already ruined relationship and I could just let go completely.
Somewhat later a friend of mine told me that she's in love me, and me, still wanting to be in a relationship, I ran into a new one not thinking anything about it, just grabbing onto this new opportunity. The relationship started really well, but it slowly took a non-biblical turn and we started to fall into a few sexual sins as a couple, but I myself fell into things that even the Bible says it's disgusting.
Few months later I started studying in a university, during that time I ended this relationship I had. My sleep schedule got extremely messed up and I strayed away from my church.
During this same time, I still claimed to be Christian, even tho I was far from being it. I was dealing with huge frequent chest pain and asthma attacks. I asked God to heal my chest and lungs and to my surprise words came out of my mouth even tho I wasn't consciously speaking: "If I share the Gospel, I am going to be healed.". I was shocked when this happened, but I quickly felt the Holy Spirit calming me down telling me it was His doing. And sure enough, both at university and at my job next summer I talked about my faith and the Gospel with my friends a lot. It's been years since that happened, and I have experienced 0 chest pains and asthma attacks ever since.
At the age of 19, I was working in construction, I dealt with concrete for 10 hours a day. During this time I also became a developer for a larger Hungarian Minecraft server. I put a lot of time and energy into that community, I worked a lot to make fresh things into the server so people have more and more things to discover. After getting home, I spent 3-4 hours daily with the community, dealt with moderation and questions because I was really the only one who took seriously his position on the server, so naturally all the players who had issues contacted me. I spent my weekends with coding, to make the new ideas into reality for the players to enjoy. After 2 weeks my body started giving up, I became sick (nauseous, dizzy, weak) from all the overwork and lack of rest I did to myself, and after 1 more week I decided to take some time off to witch the owner decided to fire me and ban me from the server. 3 years later I realized that this was the exact time when my memory started to fail me hard, I couldn't keep 6 letters in my mind for more than half a second. I prayed for it one night and I noticed a huge difference the very next morning and my short term memory has been a lot better than it ever was since that prayer.
During a sermon, when the pastor called the visitors to the altar for repentance, I felt the calling but I was really hesitant. I was debating if I should stay at my place and say the prayer there or I should walk in front of the whole church and acknowledge that I need saving. My problem with the latter was that our of the 200 people there, 150 knew me by my name, 100 saw me grow up and 50 knew me personally (not exact numbers, just an estimation) and I was worried what they would think about me. As I was debating, I took a little weight off of staying at my seat and all of a sudden my legs just started almost running to the altar like if someone was pushing me. Only halfway there I realized what's going on so I just went with it because I knew I need this, I need to repent. After repenting the pastor came down to personally pray for everyone who walked out there and when he got to me and was praying for me, I heard a whisper. It wasn't him whispering, nor anyone from the church, this whisper came from inside. I've heard the most gentle, most loving voice I have ever heard telling me: "You are finally here!". I just knew it was God welcoming me back, not blaming or shaming me for leaving. And what did the church members think about this, you might ask. They were happy that I did it and told me it was a brave thing to do.
A few weeks later during worship I fell down onto the ground and started roaring louder than I ever could. I was roaring for minutes straight and I could just feel the demons leaving me, most likely the ones that slaved me during the time I was a Minecraft dev. The next day I woke up with a soar throat, my voice became hoarse and during the day I completely lost my voice. Another day later, as I was digging a hole at the jobsite I was dealing with concrete, I had a revelation that this lost voice is spiritual, not entirely physical. So I started praying and told the spirit of muteness to let my throat go and go away, then prayed in tongues for a few more seconds. The whole prayer took less than 30 seconds. Moments later I could once again shout to the other guy who was also digging a hole and he was genuinely surprised that my voice is back, even tho he heard me loosing it the day before.
When I was 21, the famous Covid virus covered the whole globe making governments issue lockdowns, Hungary was no exception. I became more active on the internet and one time I was browsing the music category on Twitch and found a lovely streamer back then known as WhiteAngelMC. Through her community I met another amazing person, Chemispere and she showed me two communities: God & Gaming which is a community based around Christians, gamers and Christian gamers, and Blessing Boat which is a community and monthly event for Christian streamers to build up viewer- and followerships. In both communities I've met many-many amazing people, like Trumpetmcool, SassinatorSteph, FrostByteIV, just to name a few. Through FrostByte I met the Love Thy Nerd community in which I met PastorDoostyn, who is a youth pastor. As I was listening to him on his streams I realized that he's sharing the exact same message as my pastor does, even tho them knowing each other is very unlikely, it just showed me that God is the same everywhere, in every language.
These people I mentioned later showed me other amazing streamers, like ZeldaTheHobbit, who eventually lead me to join the Hopeful Disasters community, in which I met Wufler77, AtomicPotato, jesushype, Just_Beba, JonJon, Emmie and the list just goes on. All of them are amazing people, all of them are Christians and it was a huge blessing to join these people in a welcoming online community where we all are open about our faith and the Bible isn't twisted or modified. Later I also met CaseWeapon and RoseTheWolf36 who became good friends and very good examples of God following women.
Around this time I started to see my relationship with God differently. He says we are His children, so why should I not talk to Him as my Father? So I started praying differently. I used to pray like I'm talking with an authority, now I pray like I'm talking with someone really close to me, who's there all the time. This simple decision changed a lot in my spiritual life, I'm a lot closer to God than I ever was, a lot more of my prayers are listened to because I'm praying a lot more seriously and I'm taking deeper care of our relationship.
At the age of 23, the Covid lockdown was cancelled, we could once again gather in larger numbers, so I once again went to church. Even tho I was thinking that people are going to ask questions on my whereabouts but everyone was welcoming me, even people I barely spoke to before.
During 2022 July I moved out from my parents and started taking care of myself. From this time I had to do a lot more things to go to church instead of just relying on my father to bring me there. I not just had to get up and get ready, but I also had to drive and my church is ~25 minutes away from my home by car. This isn't a huge distance, but I had to not only drive but take car of my car so I'm able to drive it. This alone lead to a huge spiritual growth.
I rejoined the media team and I started digitizing old cassette recordings after sermons, and those aren't something you can set and leave, you have to sit through the whole tape and see if there's any error you need to take care of. I also had to take notes on what's on the tape including timestamps. I often stayed at the church building for 4-5 more hours. This gave me the opportunity to see many-many old recordings, even ones older than I am. I saw how my church grew, developed, how the equipment became more and more modern and reliable, how my pastor has changed throughout the past 2 decades. And even tho my pastor, the people in church, the building, the equipment changed a lot during this time, the message did not change one bit. My pastor shared the same messages 20 years ago as he does now and this showed me how the Word does not change throughout time even when everything else changes on this Earth.
During late fall and early winter in 2023, I had insane stomach aches and nausea during one night which cause insomnia. From that time I had some pain in my stomach every day. One night I was sitting on the edge of my bed praying for healing and I had to burp. As I burped a little, wooden shaving-like something came up (I have no clue how it possible could get into my stomach, probably some hard parts of a vegetable), and I haven't been suffering from stomach aches ever since.
During 2022 I had my foot injured by a manhole cover, it was seriously bruised. Even after recovery I still had pain from time to time in my foot where the cover hit it, especially when we had big weather changes. Not long after I prayed for my stomach, I also prayed for my foot and the Holy Spirit reminded me of what He said through my mouth when I was praying for my chest and lungs. Sometimes I still feel some pressure where my foot was hit, but I had no pain ever since.
Early 2024 I got a new watch but pretty fast it caused me having eczema on my wrist which rapidly covered my whole forearm. I prayed for it, I asked for prayer, and within a week it was all healed.
During 2024 January, as I was driving to work, I was praying for my financial situation. Immediately after that a car passed me on the high way with the license plate number JEL716. This made me want to read Revelations 7:16 (Revelations is called Jelenések in Hungarian and we abbreviate it to JEL): Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat down on them, nor any scorching heat. - NIV (the full context is Revelations 7:13-17). This just calmed me down immediately and reassured me that God is going to provide for those who serve Him. And He did.
During 2024 February I was praying for all my family members and as I got to my little brother I remembered how badly I treated him. I always found excuses not to be with him, if I didn't like the tone he was talking in to me, I slapped his face, sometimes causing his mouth to bleed. One time I pushed a hot light bulb onto his forearm causing him a wound that took more than a week to heal. Despite all this treatment he kept trying to be with me, to be around me. He didn't want to be always involved in what I was doing, he just wanted to be there. Many times my father asked me why I hate him, and all I said every time is that I don't hate him because how could I hate my brother, I mean he is my brother. As I was praying for him I quickly realized what I did to him was clearly hatred towards him and this is exactly what we do to Christ when we don't follow Him. You don't read your Bible? You're basically telling Him to get out of your life. You sin against other people? That's a slap to His face. You neglect the people in need? That's a wound between His ribs. Yet He still wants to be with you, be in your life. That prayer showed me how much we do not comprehend the weight of sin, how seriously sin destroys us, the relationship with Christ and how serious Salvation is, how much He loves us.
During 2024 March I decided to get into the Bible a lot deeper so I started reading the New Testament. So many more things were revealed in front of me that I did not notice at all ever, no matter how many times I have read those parts. My faith and understanding of the Scripture were really like a mustard seed, started from something really small and started growing really big.
A month later, as I got to Luke, the words that I read no longer felt just like text on a piece of paper. It started to talk to me and it started to feel like I'm talking to the kindest, most loving friend I ever had. Soon I realized the Bible isn't just talking to everyone, but it talks to me personally too. It's not just a universal thing for civilizations, it's a personal message to everyone.
In June I had an ear canal inflammation which soon got onto my throat tonsils. Several friends and I prayed for healing, all symptoms were gone within a week.
During a sermon, as I was standing behind a camera, my left arm started to feel numb and I could barely use it. I prayed for it and it regained all strength and the numbness was completely gone within seconds.
In July I talked with my pastor and confessed my most hidden, most disgusting sins because I just had the constant feeling that I have to be open about it. It wasn't an easy talk, but it had to be done. I felt immediately lighter, like I was levitating 10 cm over the floor. From then my workdays felt a lot easier, I still had a ton of energy after getting home to work on my hobbies. I felt free from a huge burden that I was carrying for years because of fear of others' thoughts.
I was also praying a lot to find a new job, and I did find a new one which was sufficient enough to go through my days.
When the first HopeCon was announced that was open for the whole community, I had the strong feeling that I have to be part of this. For months I dealt with doubt, I wanted to cancel the whole thing, but I kept reminding myself of that strong feeling I originally had so I did not give in. Now, that I think back on that feeling, it was really a calling, not just some emotional suggestion.
Before HopeCon, I was on foreign lands only once, with my high school class we visited a castle in Austria near the Hungarian border. I was surrounded by people I knew, who speak Hungarian and if something were to happen to me, my father just could've sit in a car and be there in like 3 hours in worst case. HopeCon happened in the USA, on a completely different continent, so if something would've happened to me, only elder brother could've helped me decently and the earliest would've been within 3 months. This was my first time flying, I did it alone, I went to a place where noone speaks Hungarian, yet I wasn't afraid of the traveling part at all. For months I thought the ESTA is a scam set up by a scammer who somehow managed to put the form behind a governmental website and up until checking in at the airport I was doubting that it's actually a real way to enter the states. For months I was worried that I won't be able to afford this trip, yet God has provided me with enough to make it.
When I arrived at the airport and I checked in, all my papers were alright, no details were missing. I was worried that my luggage wouldn't fit the criteria to be a carry on baggage, it didn't but the guy told me he'll check it in free of charge (I might be still missing some clue on how checking luggage in goes). Going through security went super smooth, boarding the plane and departure went really well too. Despite my technophobia and no experience in flying at all, I was at complete peace. All things at the first transit in Munich happened really well too, including the 2nd flight.
Few issues occurred on my 2nd transit, at the O'Hare airport in Chicago. There were barely any info where to go for my next flight, once I even got lost and I missed my flight due to the design of the airport, and the extremely slow people. When I arrived to my gate, the plane was already leaving, but the lady at the gate printed me a new boarding ticket to the next flight to Seattle free of charge and I was delayed by only 2 hours. Despite all the inconveniences at that airport, I still did not want to give up. If I got this far, I have to get to my destination. It was fairly exhausting. The 3rd flight was uncomfortable, I was motion sick, but it was manageable.
Despite the 9 hours difference and different regulations, I got used to the timezone difference during the first night, I got used to the local food and water on day 1.
On July 19th I finally met in person with many of the community members. It was my first time talking with many of them, yet it felt like I was gathering with family members, they did not feel foreign despite me not knowing their names or faces. The people I did know did help me a lot in introducing to one another. Talking with them in English went super smooth despite my doubts about my abilities in English. There were barely any times when I was looking for words.
A day later we got into Bible studies, worship, prayers and all the things we had planned for the event. Countless revelations, realizations, a huge spiritual growth, significant boost in self-confidence, ability to communicate in spoken English. Overall I had peace throughout my whole journey, a peace I cannot explain other than God's presence with me throughout the whole time. A small trip to the USA that I thought is going to be a fun experience turned into a huge blessing and a core memory. It showed me that indeed God knows no limit when it comes to His people. Despite time, language and cultural differences, we have the same Gospel, the same Scripture. The same is being taught in the states and the same is being share here, in Hungary. I felt the presence of the exact same Holy Spirit, saw the same work He's been doing in people's life there as here. To see and experience this in person is something you just cannot pay for.
A video of my full experience about HopeCon 2024 is available on YouTube: HopeCon testimony
At the end of July I started a new job, same field, similar payment but at a different company than I used to work before HopeCon. It started really well, I enjoyed it a lot, I met many great people and I could feel that several of them are looking for something they miss but they just don't know what it is. Glory to God, I had plenty of opportunity to plant seeds not only in workmates' hearts but in customers' as well (despite my contract with the company forbade me doing it).
However, soon after I got into working alone, I had to deal with many hardships with the leadership, expectation that I wasn't capable of fulfilling because scamming customers is against my beliefs. Few months later, the hardship caused a lot of stress which resulted in me eating a lot more that I should've eaten, which led to rapid weight gain, which made my liver fatty, which ended up producing a lot more enzymes than it's supposed to, which led to constant nausea and weakness. Few weeks later during a sermon the symptoms I had reduced to being barely noticeable.
During 2024 November, due to me not being careful and thoughtful, I overwent my budget, but when I started to have worries about what I will be able to eat in during the last week of the month, God has provided me with enough through customers that all my needs were met for every day.
In January of 2025, one of my Wednesdays started with a shocking surprise, I was bleeding during my morning routines, the toilet paper was soaked in blood. I didn't think much about it because I had to deal with hemorrhoids before, and it always went away within a day. After I got home, the same issue happened. On Thursday the whole experience repeated, on Friday I was starting to be concerned, so I said something as a form of prayer, but I didn't put much faith into it. On Saturday, I still had the issue, so I prayed again, this time I put as much faith as I could into prayer. On Sunday, I had no symptoms whatsoever. The bleeding was completely gone.
During February, due to the weight of my tool bag I used and carried, my wrists got into a bad shape and I developed Carpal tunnel syndrome. during an evening I prayed for healing, all symptoms were gone within a day, I had no weakness, pain or numbness the next day and ever since.
During March, because of the weight gain I had, my right knee started aching a lot continuously. Using the stairs and ladders were a pure torture, just by sitting it was hurting a lot. I prayed for healing, I woke up the next morning without any pain.
In August, 2025, both my ear canals got inflamed. I prayed for healing, both were healed within 5 days on their own.
On 2025, March 13th and 14th the Hopeful Disasters community included me in an event during which community members took turns to read the whole Bible out loud, everyone had an hour (or more if they chose to read for more). Due to my schedule during that week, I could join in for early hours for me, which meant some late night hours for the other members were filled. I did 2 hours on both mentioned days (the reading itself took a bit longer) and despite not being able to sleep during the night before (I had 3 hours of sleep, during which I was half awake) and the fact that I have never read the Bible out loud in English before, the 2 hours of reading went super smooth.
At the employer I started in July of 2024, my trial time was 6 months, during which I built good relationships with my coworkers and my boss, they realized fast that I know how to do this job and I handle the customers really well, really patiently, really kindly. After the 6 months of trial, my boss finalized my contract with the company, so I became a full time employee but the very next day his way of talking with me and handling me has drastically change. During the trial time I was treated kindly, patiently but after my contract was finalized, he started being very impatient, his expectations grew insanely. This company also expected me to literally scam customers which I had no stomach to do, so I didn't care about bringing those expected numbers. My contract was finalized in January, but I already wanted to quit in February. The inhumane expectations and abusive behavior from my bosses put me under a lot of psychological stress which resulted me eating a lot more, which gave me stomach, liver and nervous system issues. My liver became fatty which resulted in it producing 3x the highest normal amount of enzymes, that caused the continuous nausea I was dealing with which started in March. It also overreacted greasy food whenever I ate something that had a little fat or oil in it by dumping a huge amount of bile into my guts, which caused me a lot of trouble, lot of bathroom visits. I also quickly developed ticks, my hands, face, neck and head started twitching, sometimes violently shaking (sometimes this happened during driving which caused me a lot of concern). Sometimes even my legs and feet were twitching a lot while I was sitting on my chair at home. Sometimes while I was driving to work or in between customers, I often fantasized about being hit by a giant truck or a mad driver just so I wouldn't need to go to work, I could get some time off. Because of the continuous nausea, I had 7 days total working days in April, the rest were spent home as sick leave. In May I finally had enough and gave in my leave notice and a month later (in June) I left the company without knowing where I'm going to go.
The good part of me working at this place is that I could talk with a few of my workmates about my faith, I could share the gospel and my testimony with them, planting and watering some seeds.
After I left this job, I rejoined my father in construction work, I was actually looking forward to finally spend some time with him once again. I've been missing him a lot.
While I was working with my father in July and August and it was a great time spent working with him, I was struggling a lot mentally. In July most of myy motivation left me, the only reason I woke up every morning was that I didn't want to betray my father, he was expecting my help and my strength around the jobsite. Near the end of July through a prayer from a good friend helped me out a lot and I was feeling great for a long time, but at the beginning of August, depression hit me again. This time not only all of my motivation left me, a few friendships faded into thin air and 2 communities that I deeply love and care about started harassing me at the same time. At this point I saw no reason to keep on going and I already had the method and the location figured out to end my life, I just didn't have the when. Although I had barely any stress, so that made my nausea go away completely.
In the Hopeful Disasters community I got in touch with a member, a young, lovely lady early in 2025. I don't know how to properly describe it, but her name always stuck out for me, like it was glowing or something, but it wasn't any special effects on her name, it just looked very different from everyone else's name. This got my attention and I wanted to get in touch with her multiple times, but I always felt a huge distance being kept, like she doesn't want to communicate with me, but I never felt giving up, I just felt I should give her more time. Interestingly in my depressed, suicidal season she finally opened up and we started talking a lot, became very good friends very quick. She told me if I didn't start talking with her, she would've committed suicide as she lost several of her friends due to suicide in the recent month and she was also considering doing it, but she talking with me also gave me a reason to keep on going. Basically us becoming friends pulled both of us out of suicide. Both she and I believed that this relationship was orchestrated by God, and till this day God has introduced her into my life to save me from killing myself. Pretty soon I started to have romantic feelings towards her and I just knew I wanted to marry her. Soon after I confessed my love to her and that I want to take our relationship further and without hesitation she agreed to this step, so we started dating. Very early on I told her that my goal with dating is to eventually get married and not just to fool around, she agreed to it and fairly soon we were already talking about marriage. I had past relationships and attempt, I always had some level of doubt about those ladies being "the one", but with her I had zero doubt. I never had the "What if she shouldn't be my future wife?" thought, I was 100% sure that I wanted to marry her. I had a reason to wake up, I instinctively started taking care of myself and my surrounding, this relationship just made me seek God a lot more because I was so thankful for her showing up in my life. We talked a lot about meeting at HopeCon in October of 2025, we both were very enthusiastic about it, but some time later she told me it's likely she won't show up there because of family reasons.
Unfortunately not long after she started acting strangely and a few days later she completely ghosted me, so I started my September on a low emotional level. Even tho she told me it's likely she won't come to HopeCon and she ghosted me weeks before the event, I still went to HopeCon with a few gifts and a ring in my backpack, being fully ready in case she actually shows up, but she never did.
About HopeCon during spring in 2025 I was already praying a lot so that I can be part of it again. There was a time when I was doubting that it will ever happen and was considering cancelling my trip. When the idea of giving up crossed my mind as I was praying, I heard a voice telling me: "Go to HopeCon, something amazing is going to happen.". Later I was hoping it's gonna be the proposal, but that never happened. Instead I learnt a few new things which I'm about to share and I also witnessed 3 people being baptized by water, saw several people who were very introverted and even antisocial opening up, trusting others whom they have never met and seeing how God was working in their life during those few days was a true miracle. The day before I left for HopeCon I noticed a constant pain in one of my testicles, it was very swollen and I saw some serious discoloration in certain fluids (you know what I'm talking about), this made me want to cancel my trip in the last moment, but I still woke up the next morning and decided to go to the airport anyway, because of the promise I got during spring. At the airport, after passing security and as I was waiting to board my plane, I started to have a panic attack because of the infection and the excitement I had about a possible proposal in the following days. I was seriously considering calling my brother to come back for me to the airport and wanted to just leave the airport and giving up my trip literally in the last minute, but I just couldn't do it and soon, as I was praying, I calmed down and still boarded the plane. The trip went super smooth. The infection was healed within a week after lots of prayer without any remaining issues.
The people who were at HopeCon noticed very early that I'm dealing with issues because my silence and not being active in the group was very strange for those who were at HopeCon in 2024 too, so they got very concerned about me. At first I didn't want to talk about it, but slowly I became more and more open about what I was dealing with and they showed full understanding, love, patience and support, they prayed a lot for me. Many of those friends came to me privately to ask about my well-being, and by the last 2 days I was almost completely open about my issues but I still kept this lady's privacy, I didn't share her name even tho most of them knew her (a few members did figure it out tho). This experience really showed me how I should not fight alone, I should isolate when I'm facing trials and challenges. Throughout the whole event I was waiting for her to show up any moment, I spent hours silently praying, sometimes crying, I kept pulling away from the crowd just to mourn. On my way home I was still waiting for my name to be screamed from behind at the airport, but once I crossed security, I lost all hope of meeting her in person and I seriously had to keep myself together and spent a lot of energy on staying strong, otherwise I would've started crying ugly at the airport while I was waiting to board my plane. I could've gotten mad at God for letting such thing happen, instead I ran towards Him even faster to seek healing and resolving of the issue, I wanted her back so much.
During the next few months I made new friends in the Hopeful Disasters community. For some reason I felt completely safe around them, I could talk about this issue I was going through with them and they showed great patience, kindness, love and they also gave me some encouragement and some advices too. One of them quickly became a good friend whom I could deeply trust, this trust was mutual. The way she showed care and legit concern towards me showed me what I should expect from friends and how I should treat my friends too. I noticed that this new friend, even tho she was just a friend and had no intention to get involved with me romantically, she put a lot more effort into our friendship on the first day that the previously mentioned lady did into our entire relationship. I had to keep nagging this lady to have a voice call, we barely got to know each other and pretty soon I realized I was in love with the idea of her, not actually her. This new friend also asked some right questions which made me realize I should stop waiting for that lady to come back, I should take some time off dating to heal and to further seek God and soon after I realized I didn't have too many boundaries (I even put one aside for the relationship I started in August) and I seriously need to raise my standards as I didn't have much of those either. This new friend showed what is the least effort I should be expecting from someone who wants to marry me, what values I need to look for in a future spouse. That we should actually get to know each other before committing to a serious relationship, to have conversations about values and future plans, to get to know each other's views on certain issues, and not just talk about how much we love each other and how much we want to meet one another. One moment during this season, as I was praying for this relationship to be rebuilt, I had a revelation about how prepared I was to propose to this lady, even tho the chances of her showing up at HopeCon were very slim. During this prayer, the Holy Spirit "hit" me with something that I should really live by: this is exactly how I should be waiting for Christ's return, even tho I do not know when He's going to come back, I should be fully prepared.
The events in September and the following waiting season when I was hoping she would come back eventually made me realize that it was still God's plan to bring us together but not for a long lasting relationship, but for saving us both from suicide and to show me that I seriously need to raise my standards towards my future wife, I seriously need to set new and stronger boundaries, keep what I already have and don't put them aside for anyone and to stop idolizing relationship and rather seek Him first and then be part of a godly relationship in which we serve God together and each other instead of just being in the relationship for the love and attention only. The breakup also made me completely loose my appetite, I could barely force any food down my throat for 2 months, which lead me to weight loss (I lost weight I wanted to loose anyway, but not this way), which put my liver back into its previous shape, it no longer was swollen by fat, it stopped overproducing enzymes and it no longer overreacted greasy food by dumping bile into my guts in a serious amount. After 3 months of waiting, I could finally mostly move on and I regained my appetite. Sometimes I still missed her, but then God has reminded me several times of what He has shown me about how I should treat a relationship and my spouse and that quickly shook me up and got me out of the melancholy.
Almost exactly 4 months after the breakup a lie was finally revealed to me, which explained many things and gave me closure about this whole situation and finally I had peace and joy. After this moment I finally saw God's perfect timing, as if this lie was brought to the light a lot earlier, I could've not learnt as much as I did, I could've not grown this much. It was revealed to me that she's been lying about her age in front of the whole community and she's a fair younger than she claimed to be. If this lie wasn't brought up, I could've gotten into some very serious trouble, also the difference in maturity would make such a big gap between us, it would be seriously difficult to bridge it. Now I see that God's plan with this relationship for me was to save me from suicide, teach me that I in fact can care and love a lot more than I thought I ever could, strengthen my boundaries, raise my standards when it comes to my future wife and be skeptical when it comes to any kind of new relationships.
A symphonic blackened deathcore psalm inspired by the struggles around this relationship: I Trust You
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